While sitting on the shuttle back to our hotel at ICDC last week, I was reflecting on how 2026 hasn't really been my year. I ran to be a state officer for DECA and failed, I competed at ICDC and didn't even break top 20, I applied for several internships and got rejected from all of them. For most of my life I've been a huge perfectionist. If I don't win an award, get an A or get some kind of external validation I'm just a big fat loser. I've been feeling really bitter about losing so much this year especially since it wasn't like I hadn't tried. I worked so so so hard on my essays, my extracurriculars and pretty much everything I lost at. It's pathetic to admit but I've kind of been feeling like no matter how hard I work, I just can't win.
Perfectionism is a constant winner. Embodying a perfectionist means your losses are A- and Bs, 2nd place trophies and achievements are negligible because they're expected. A perfectionist strives for a version of themselves that doesn't exist. Someone that has an extra hour in their day and never breaks a sweat. Perfectionists are also exceptionally annoying. If the slightest thing doesn't go their way suddenly it's impossible to succeed and everything is rigged. I've been that person. Every single time I've lost an award or gotten a bad grade I've thrown some kind of tantrum. As I'm sure many of my friends can recount, after losing the state officer election I would cry every time someone brought it up. It was just too painful for me to think about especially since I had wanted the position so so badly. I even had to block Lauren Kim and several of my state officer friends on Instagram just so I wouldn't be overcome with envy every time I stalked their page. Even now after seeing all the DECA and ICDC posts I feel jealous of these people who have endless accolades and opportunities.
Recently however, after a long talk with Agrima, I've come to the realization that loss and gain is temporary. One of my friends who also lost the state officer election last year was just recently accepted to Harvard and will be attending in the fall. As a perfectionist I tend to be defined by my flaws and shortcomings, but I hope in the future to be defined by my personality and growth. Remembering that I won't be defined by my failures for the rest of my life and by this time next year I'll have so much more in my life going on that I won't even remember these temporary losses has helped my mental health.
I'm not the only one in the world who's ever failed at something and the people who have won have also failed at something before. I'm not a perpetual loser because I lost and they're not perpetual winners because they won. My life gets to be so much more than my wins/losses, and I hope I continue to get opportunities that I fail in so I can grow as a person.
